Friday, December 31, 2010

It's almost the New Year

Samantha and Cameron are all tucked snuggled in their beds... Katelyn is on her way to bed.  We didn't do our traditional NYE family thing this year. We did watch a movie together, Percy Jackson and the Olympians something or other. Was a really good movie.

Christmas was so-so this year. Ok.. it was really GREAT for everyone else... but even with the kids smiling faces it was hard to feel the joy in my heart this year. Doug bought me a new Rebel T2i.. it's a cool Camera.. but Christmas this year was like faking an orgasm.. I smiled, said my Thanks, and couldn't wait for it to be over. I know I sound really horrible, but I don't know how to look forward to things right now. Every thing I would normally look forward to, I am instantly reminded that my mom won't be here to share in it with us.  I really hope this passes soon... I am not living, just getting by for my kids and Doug's sake.

and my moms beloved Lab, Sabrina. She has been so heart broken without my mom. On Tuesday night, we had to put her to sleep. It was exactly 4 weeks to THE day that my mom had passed away.
Here she is at Christmas. She had lost over 40 pounds in a month. Barely eating at all.

The vets chalked it up to her being heart broken as well... she just missed her mom so much, she couldn't bare to go on. I held her in my arms and told her to say hi to Weiner (my shar pei who passed in Jan '10) and Mom for me. She was 12 years old. Great with kids. Helped babysit Katelyn when she was a toddler in my mom's backyard... she always caught Katelyn trying to climb over the fence back there. She and Weiner played together like little pups whenever they visited one another.  I am having her cremated, and will place the ashes with mom.

I pray all my  friends and family have a prosperous, happy and healthy new year in '11!
I am ready for the new year.. and then again I am not ready.

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Wednesday, December 15, 2010

You better watch out

you better not cry, you better not pout I'm telling you why...

Cameron will be playing a game or trucks and just start singing that Christmas song.  It breaks my heart we've not had the money to start Christmas shopping yet.... and to be perfectly honest, until just this past second, I hadn't really WANTED to shop for Christmas presents.

I kinda feel like I'm in thick air... I see everybody moving on around me, but I'm sullen, angry, sad, and have no wish to do anything.  I have thank you notes to make and write. Presents to buy. Grocery shopping to do. Clothes to wash. Christmas cards to send. I can't get up the motivation to get up and do the things that need doing.

When I come to my blog to start letting my feelings out, tears pool in my eyes, my heart wrenches tightly, and I miss my mom so much.  On the other hand, I feel guilty as hell that I've not taken the time (Lord knows I have tons of time) to do all the things on my to do list. Basic things like grocery shopping. I can do that...  Alls I really want to do is pick up the phone and call my MOM.

The urge to speak to her is so great. So overwhelming.

I had a dream last night I had leukemia. I don't know what that's all about.

I really wish I could borrow some of Santa's elves to get all my work done. Heck. I would settle for the gumption. the get up and go to get things done. Instead, I spend numerous hours a day on facebook playing mind numbing gates like bejeweled blitz and zuma.

If you are overflowing in holiday cheer, please pass some my way.
The Grinch.

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Monday, December 6, 2010

I have time to breathe...

...and it hurts. I breathe in too deeply, and I ache for my moms voice.
I can't remember a time (except for when I was 18/19) that I went more than 3 or 4 days without talking to my mom on the phone. We lived ten minutes away.. between her busy work schedule, and mine with the kids, we saw each other a few times a month.. but we spoke almost daily.

I don't even know what to do. My plate is overwhelming at the moment. I'm trying to dig deep to find the strength to pull my head out of my ass like I know you would do. Even when you struggled, you were strong and worked your way through it. I have to sit with the kids tonight to finish decorating the Christmas tree. It's like I would be happy to just skip over it.

I went to your house last night and started going through some of your things. Eddie is pretty much letting me take whatever I want so far.  He's giving me your car.You'll be happy to know Katelyn will be driving it.

I don't know where to put your things I am grabbing right now.... and I don't have time to BREATHE again because now I just feel hounded. I wish you were here. I wish more than anything I would wake up from this nightmare and find a missed call from you asking me where I had left my phone bc I didn't answer it.

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Wednesday, December 1, 2010

A quick hello

Dear family and friends,

It has been a complete blessing to have you all in my life. Knowing you are thinking of my family and  I during this time has been a comfort to me. All the letters, notes, and phone calls have kept me going. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.


Dear Mom,

Today was another hard day. I barely slept last night tossing and turning. I woke up at exactly 4:00 am this morning. It was so weird. I instantly thought of you. I will be sending the girls back to school Thursday and Friday. Eddie and I (Doug too) went to the Cemetery to pick out your final resting place. I think you will love it. It's in the garden called the Good Shephard. It has a statue of Jesus with his shephards hook and his flock surrounding him. Your marker is tasteful, it was tough deciding on one, but Eddie and I finally agreed on it. I heard from the minister today. We couldn't find the one that Eddie wanted, which is unfortunate, but I'm really happy with the Minister we talked to. I have just emailed him tonight telling him stories from your childhood that I remember, things that you liked, that you did... as much as I could remember. I think the service will be touching. I pray it will be. I'm a bit mad right now. Jackie told Aunt Pat today that your death notice wasn't in Wednesday's paper. I bought a paper late this evening, and she was right.. your notice wasn't in there. I'm mad/scared/pissed thinking the Funeral home may not have emailed the Obituary out yet. I'm crossing everything I have, and praying hard that it prints in Thursdays paper. That it's accurate. I just want everything to be perfect as I can make it for you, for family. I don't want any hurt feelings. It's so hard trying to remember it all.  Amy is having a speghetti dinner at her house Friday night. And Saturday after the funeral we will gather at Amy's house for a luncheon. It's a special gift she is giving me hosting these functions at her house. Thank you so much cuz! And many thanks to Aunt Pat for providing so much of the afternoons meal.

I think of you constantly. I feel like I was a bad daughter because I wasn't thinking of you more and appreciating you as often while you were here with me. I'm so glad I grew up enough, in time to appreciate you as much as I had while you were here. The kids and I picked out special items we will be placing with you on Saturday. Their so excited for you to see them. We'll be writing you letters tomorrow too. Oh, I talked to Carol, Jackie M, and Melanie yesterday. It was nice to hear from old friends. Your Pallbearers will be Katelyn, Doug, Edward, Brian, Brad, and Dale. I love you mom. I miss you more than I can convey in once sentence.

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