So, if you're here to check up on me and see how things are going, and you're in a good mood, having a good day... back away now, hit the big red x on your browser and have a nice day. I'm sure this will just drag you down a bit, and I don't want that for anyone... I just need to hash it out since I have noone I can talk to that understands me.. or better yet, wants to?
Do you ever talk to you're blue in the face? Til you have no air left in your lungs? Til your face goes numb with the same ol' same ol'? Ever need help and scream it at the top of your lungs.. scream it out in your head where it's just there echoing, and noone hears you? Better yet, have that ONE person you are asking for help, really asking, and they don't hear you? That ONE person who you need the most from, who you think will be there for you, and they think you're silly? You have tears streaming down your face, your hearts about to burst from the pain and, they still think your problems are smaller than their own?
It doesn't matter if your family wants to *listen*, they can't help you. You don't want them to.
The ONE person that matters, that means the world to you basically laughs at all your antics, thinking you are - JUST moody - JUST *might* have a touch of the baby blues or postpardum depression....
so what? Isn't the cry for help enough? The flood of tears running down their face... don't you see?
I wonder if people who commit suicide feel this way? Colleagues, friends, family can see the changes, ask if you're ok... and they numbly say, "yeah, I'm ok" when their really not? They just need/hope/expect that ONE RIGHT person to help them. It doesn't matter how, just that they care enough to see that help is needed.
and no.. I'm NOT suicidal... but I feel lost, but maybe it will get better on it's own?
Yeah.. that felt good!